|Julius Malema (in purple) and partner|
Having studied and taught the English language in an academic context for a good number of years, I would not call myself a novice in the artistic world of metaphors, similes and figurative language in general. It was with great astonishment (and risk of life) however, that I learnt that when it comes to using such language as tools to compliment ladies, I am still lost in the wilderness. I rate lowly together with millions of other men also lounging in the deepest bowels of that dungeon called ignorance!
Whether you are a literary genius or rocket scientist, our beloved species of human that answers to the name "Female," continues to be a mystery and enigma to us merely mortal males. A few days ago, I decided to compliment my wife on how great she looked. "You look like a million dollars," I said. At that stage things were going well, and I inwardly applauded myself as I noticed the outer edges of her mouth give way to a wide smile. Feeling motivated, I decided to fire another compliment her way. Little did I know that I should have quit when I was still ahead.
I turned on what I thought was more charm: "Hun, you look so good that one could easily think you are one of those high profile celebrity ladies, maybe the wife of Julius Malema!" The smile on my sweetheart's face swiftly vanished and gave way to a scary combination of glare, scowl and frown. Whoever said looks do not kill, needs to urgently review that statement because if that was not a near-death experience, then I do not know what is! I understand why some people might not be too thrilled about being associated with the controversial, insult spewing ANC Youth League leader, (oops, I meant former ANC Youth League leader). My sentiments were based on the premise that Malema is wealthy and well connected and therefore will be bound to have a fine looking celebrity wife.
Whether you might like it or not, the fact remains that our modern day “Comrade of the perpetual, never-ending struggle,” is loathed by many, but also adored by a multitude of South Africans and other nationalities who subscribe to his anarchial and derogatory demeanour. One only has to glance at newspaper headlines or watch the news to realise that Juju has celebrity status. If he was married, surely his future bride would automatically assume celebrity status? Surely she would, by nature of her status, strive to always exude class and elegance in her style? This would be vital to make up for Juju's lack of finesse and to ensure that she becomes an icon that offers more to the Malema package.
Anyway to cut a long story short, no amount of justification could put my “You look like the wife of Julius Malema,” compliment in any good stead. An total about turn from the unsavoury compliment had to be done urgently. Thanks to a series of apologies, I saved my life and am able to live to write another blog post. Be therefore advised all you men, not to draw any parallels between your wife, fiancee or girlfriend and any controversial celebrities; real or imagined. Do not tell your lady that she is more gorgeous than Mrs Grace Mugabe, Mrs Kenny Kunene or Paris Hilton for that matter. It does not matter how stylish or gorgeous these people might be, keep well clear from controversy! Take heed of my advice if you know what is good for you!