Beware you cellphoning pains-in-the-butt!

As some of you might be aware, I am on a personal single-handed mission to eliminate the social idiot with bad telephonic manners wherever and whenever he rears his fat, ugly head! I have spoken about the monsters that make disgusting crank calls (where they phone you but refuse to identify themselves and want to know who is speaking). A fellow blogger whose blogs I follow has also blogged about similar frustrations, so I know that I am not alone in this cause.


This latest addition to my “hit list” blares away on his cellphone at dangerously high decibels of volume in theatres, banking halls, movie houses, buses, you name it. I would have thought it quite obvious that the whole world does not need to hear your office banter, marital arguments, flirtations with bimbos and such other private issues. What to us is obvious does not seem to be that obvious however, to this pain-in-the-butt; once he begins there is no stopping him!


A closely related cousin to the loud caller (also an excruciating pain-in-the-butt) seems at least to know what a huge, bold NO CELLPHONES sign means. Do not however hasten to think that this makes him or her better than his relative mentioned above. This version of cellphone terrorist is enlightened only as far as reading the sign is concerned, but when it comes to placing a mobile phone on silent, he is totally clueless or just does not have the mental capacity to think of it at that moment when his cellphone disrupts the peace.


So there you are in church trying to absorb that life-changing sermon that seems to have been tailor made for you, or about to deliver that important financial report to the board, when the cellphone of the person next to you rings incessantly. All that he or she does is to drop the call and put the mobile handset back in the pocket. Thinking the network is busy, the caller keeps calling over and over again and the cat and mouse foolishness goes on for about thirty minutes until someone advises this terrorist to put his phone on silent or go and take the call outside. Sound advice, which however is rocket science to our friend. He will opt instead, to take the call right where he is and shout to the caller to phone him later. At that juncture unfortunately, the damage is already done. People are swearing under their breath, laughing or talking and any semblance of order that had existed before the phone fiasco is relegated to the archives.


Be warned therefore, you cellphone-toting, terrorist pains-in-the-butt. I am hunting for you and when I get you, believe me when I say I am going to teach you a lesson that you will never forget in telephonic etiquette! You have no business being anywhere close to a cellphone, let alone owning one!

Let's blow the whistle on crank callers!

I have told been told that blowing a whistle over into your telephone’ s handset is an effective way of dealing with the unidentified, crank caller that phones you at odd hours and says nothing or just breathes heavily in a sick fashion that only such psychos are capable of. I always wish that I could have my whistle close by so that I deal effectively with another type of caller that is often overlooked but is equally irritating.



I am talking about the bully that calls you with (usually with a hidden caller I.D) and wants to know who he is speaking to. A polite reminder that the caller should be the one stating who he is and who he wants to talk to, often leads to a shockingly rude, arrogant and bossy attitude from such callers. I have had to waste many minutes of my precious time, lecturing these buffoons on the basics of telephone etiquette. Instead of being grateful and turning over a new leaf, my small attempts at civilising them seem to conjure up more aggression. It is then that I wish that my whistle was nearby.



Just who are these individuals who would make Alexander Graham Bell weep at the abuse of his invention if he was still alive today? I am not quite certain but my guess is that they fall into the following sub categories:



*The nincompoop who does not take time to check the digits that he is calling and dials the wrong number. When he hears an unfamiliar voice, he thinks that someone somewhere is playing a trick on him.



*Another brand of communication misfit is the one that scribbles numbers on scraps of paper without accompanying names or dials numbers on his cell phone and forgets to save them in the phone book. When he needs to call someone, he has to do trial and error dialling of all these nameless numbers, but unfortunately forgets his manners in some public toilet.



*Then there are the jealous lovers/spouses, etc who when they stumble on an unknown number on their partner’s phone feel the urge to investigate. This type seems to lack even basic, below average reasoning capacity. This is evident because they do not realise that if indeed the call receiver is their partner’s undercover lover, their aggressive interrogation is going to ring the alarm bells and they will not get any information.



*The fourth category is filled by the ill bred, rough edged punks who have never lived around normal people before. Communicating in the normal way that people do is therefore not part of their animalistic nature. Jungle lingo is the only lingo they know.



Whatever the reasons, I am fed up and really need to make sure that I have whistles strategically kept within easy access. I declare war on these callers and refuse to subject my ears or my phone for that matter, to such uncalled for abuse!